Believe

I used to go to church every single morning since i was standard 3 until I finished SPM. I even went to sunset mass and Sunday mass. In between all that I went to other churches. To cut it short. I was raised S.I.B, educated and baptize in a Protestant church and getting my PhD in a Roman Catholic church. I guess still, my Mommy is the defending champion, she even attended masses in a Methodist church.

Enough about religion. What about what one believes in doing?

Do you believe that you can touch the moon and the skies? Do you believe that you can be successful in whatever field you are in the current future? Do you believe that one day, the world will be under one and one only ruler?

Sometimes it makes me wonder. Believing that one day I'll find the Right one. It never happens. But it turns out to be the other way round. I believe so deep in my heart that I marked the day that my eldest brother will come home(Sarikei) cause I believe that he's coming back. I can imagine him coming home, eating meals together, having fun doing traps in the backyard for naughty cats that steals our cat's food. For all I knew, that day was the day my late father passed away, and he really came back.

When I believe that I would have someone, someone to share my the air that I breath. It always ends up bad. Either the parents don't like me, or the family have to move to another state or country, or my mom just don't like her, or even as simple as a misunderstanding when she was have "the moment" of the month.

Like my colleague told me, religion is to give us hope. That I totally agree. For all the do and the don't in my past life nothing went the way I wanted it to be. But, I did hope for one thing. The one thing that I always ask from God in church every single morning in my prayers before I go to school. I asked for an interesting life(since life in Sarikei sucks to high heaven).

Guess what, I am having an interesting life. Going to college at a later age. Working and experiencing at the wrong moment of my life. Not having a pretty resume to be hand over to a company when I applied for a job. Jobless at one point of time. Working with wedges that can hardly be enough for a 16 year old kid gets for his/her pocket money a month.

Here I am writing this blog. Thinking what did I believe in having. I had it. Its because I believe that I'm already in it. What I don't understand is the culture shocks and the statements that people I've met and experience is way beyond my wildest imagination.

Right now, what I am thinking is actually nothing. I just don't know what to believe in now. I'm lost, I'm stranded, I'm still floating in mid air with water around me.

Sometimes there so much that I want to share, but it just seem to be insane to other human being.

Sometimes I really wanted to wake up and write something in here but the minute I woke up is already time to go to work.

I live a very simple life and yet its so hard for me to cope with it. I won't want to imagine what will a guy with a wife and 2 kids do.

Believing is so true that it happens. But the circumstances that one has to face is totally out of the picture that one painted in the mind. Can that be avoided? or minimized? Or is it against the Law of Nature that we are in control of the consequences which is applied to each and every step of one's move.

hmm..I guess I think too much. I wish I could just sit in a library full of books and do nothing but read and just don't care about whats happening and just keep on thinking of answers to my questions. Well, that's not going to happen cause I'm not a smart kid that have the luxury of being in an education facilities that provides such kinds.

Sometimes its hard to accept the path that one walks when one sees the other one walks a path which is so much different from his. One can be tolerant, patient, accepting, forgiving, sharing, caring, and learning. To what extend can one go? To what extend can one hold? Til then...Ja-Na

Surviving Earning Living

These couple of weeks was a rough ride for me. I can't imagine what will happen if I just stood in one position and strongly believe in what I did was the right thing to do. After a great fall. I finally decided to move on. No more previous jobs. This time I have to make it right. Else I won't be seeing computers, or handphones or websites, or any electronic gadgets.

As I was laying down, I can't sleep and a thought came into my mind. I was thinking, why did the people back in kampung was so eager to know how much are younger people making. I always thought that they want to show off which son or daughter can earn more and at the same time spend their wealth and tie them down till they find their other half to be married. That also have to make sure that other half is twice as valuable as their children. Maybe thats what really happen.

But when I look at it from another angle. I guess the older generation kept on pestering those questions to us younger ones is because they want to make sure that we have enough rice to eat, enough petrol for the car, enough to pay the bills and installments and also enough to feed our own family one fine day.

So what does it takes to get there. Study hard? Get a good job? Or earn enough to live on? These 3 things don't come on the same road. Study hard to get good grades makes our parents happy. Some of us are happy with our grades cause we work hard for it. After that what? Graduate and look for jobs. Yeay! we got got the job that we are looking for. But comes another question, are the perks justified by the job load? That can never be an answer for that kind of question. Our superior will always tell us that, "Is either you do you job or get a new one!". But at the same time people will also say, "Do what you know best and believe in yourself". So which is right? Time to time we search for the right job to get to the right answer to satisfy ourselves, to satisfy our needs.

Does graduating in a field and work on that same field promise us a bright future? Or is it just an experience in everyones life to grow and learn about how hard life can be or how easy life can be? Does it takes us to fall as many times as possible until the right time comes then we will find our answer?

To survive we need to earn something, thats how we live our life. No matter what it takes, some illegal some legal, it doesn't matter. All it matters is one tries his or her best to live. We can't blame them or look down on them or feel shy or proud that we are doing a specific job to earn something.

At last I came up with a proverb which gives me strength to face the sun from today onwards.

"If you think money can buy everything, try and buy time. Ask a billionaire to make the time 12:00pm when its already 12:01pm."

Another one is

"To be a rich man is to be as shrewd as one can imagine, but the shrewdness of time bares no mercy to no one."

Circle

How do you define a circle? Is it just a sphere that started off from a point of a pencil on a piece of paper that eventually moved by force to go into a curve and end up at the same point where you started? Or is it when u stand in one position and turn around with your God gifted body which has muscles and your eyes sees things around you and tells your mind that you're moving in 360 degrees? Or you define it as a radius around you that you're able to sense or notice things that evolves and progress every single second of your precious life?

Circle can be define in various ways. It can be define from a dictionary for those who just learn the word circle, or for those who are lazy to think about what circle really meant in the first place. It is actually a sphere that is form from a point of a pencil and to be move in a curve direction and ends up at the point where it started. To think of that particular motion and to adapt it to you daily life, thats what its all about. From the very moment you open your eyes from a beautiful dream or a nightmare or even a wet dream with your love ones, and smell the very air that your brain recognizes, your smelly teddy bear or blanket or pillow that haven't been washed for days, the scent of your odor, your lovers fragrances that stains on your shirt or pillow, the morning breeze. Then, you'll clean up yourself and get ready for whatever you're suppose to do after you have your very 1st meal of the day, which is considered the most important one, breakfast. Then you spend you whole day outside of you bedroom doing productive activities like work, studies, socializing, experience, and memories which you'll keep or forget. When night falls, you'll come back to bed and your body tells you that you're tired enough to shut down and rest and it goes back to square one. Sleep.

What if I tell you that every single thing that you do in life is base on that very circle that we use to draw in kindergarten? Would you agree? Things that you do over and over again every single day but you don't realize that actually life is just a circle, a mere cycle that make you go through the sun and the moon which human labeled it as a day. In the world today things get so complicated. I can just pick one good topic to talk about. Sexes.

Why must women prefer to be with women, or men prefer men? Is it a trend? Or does an individual feels that he/she is born in such a way to be like that? God created two different species of human so that the cupid would have their job to shoot bloody arrows, ain't that Valentine's Day for? No? Why in the hell Valentine's Day is such a hype these days? Flowers and chocolates, gifts and dinner, constructive words that triggered the mind to say "OK" to sex and end up having a miscarriage or going through an abortion when Durex wasn't pleasurable and pornography is disgusting to both genders that thinks that they are good in whatever that they are doing and do not need safety and guidelines in what will happen when the real load of shit drop on them. Therefore, hatred develops and evolves into a change of preferences in gender. Women starts to seek women and men starts seeking men. Its because the level of comfort zone is easier to obtain in that manner? Its because the word solution is overrated? Where is the challenge factor in an individual like that? Wheres the feeling of getting up and try again? Wheres the sense of adventure in seeking for a life partner? Where is the love?

You might think that its a harsh thing to say, but hey, its reality, it happens every single day and there are worse. Guy can't get girl to bed, guy gets frustrated, end up butt fucking another guy. Hilarious may it seems, but the agony of not getting a female in a men's life duels deep down in his heart and it won't submerge ever again. Its because he decided to take the easy way to his comfort level, and dare to call himself a man?. Englishmen labeled the word "Gay". Next thing, some idiot got trapped in it, and for all you know, it became an "in-thing" to do? Again, hilarious may it seems, but what about females? Their agony pars with the males doesn't it? Lets see, girl gets guy to like her, she blushes. Girl gets guy to buy her things, she blushes. Girl gets guy to do things for her, she blushes. Girl found out that the guy is an expert in a game called "Cinta Kayu Tiga" (sorry to non-malaysian readers, its called the Love Triangle game). Girl gets angry cause she loses her virginity to the guy, gets angry because she put effort in loving the guy, gets angry because she spend so much of time, money and effort to make sure that in public she and him can be seen by the public as one hype, happy and loving couple which she hope and wishes that people will be jealous about, hopefully can be a role model to them who wants to be coupled in the near future and being published in magazine and be glamorous. After all this, she ended up to be with another women. Englishmen labeled the word "lesbian". Another idiot got trapped in such situation the only difference is the gender, the porn industry picks it up and finds it intriguing, the next thing you know, they made money out of it. Creative may it sound, but hey its against the circle that everyone went through. Mother nature doesn't like that. Thus, disaster falls on earth in separate regions. It won't happen without a reason.

Living in denial is about phrase that it seems to fit the puzzle. They are 2 species of these for both sexes. Lets start with guys, since I am one. Guy dates a transsexual, and guy dates another hot looking macho guy. What is the difference? Well there is a BIG difference. Lets start off with guy dating transsexual. Well its another way of tagging himself as "I still can fuck a chic but its a he, thats all" or rather equivalent to "loser", but that word doesn't strike much of a person's feeling, we're Malaysian, so we might say these kinds of dudes are more labeled as "dungu(loser) or dugong (sea lion without a ball)" its a word that doesn't imply in proper manner. Just a word. To actually tagged the guy a sea lion is still fine, what about the transie? He is not even he anymore, he's half way to becoming a she but he's not she, so how do people address them? Mak Nyah (some term to to be polite in Bahasa Melayu) to be denial about life, sampah (rubbish) to be truthful but hurting. Another category is a guy that dates a guy that looks like a guy. Well lets simply put it as "I still can fuck a chic but its a he" only that this time its an updated version. Softwares has patches, so does humans. We humans try to make living a better experience. Now its version 2.0! What a breakthrough!

What about the females? Well females do have 2 species too. Theres female dates female looking female and female dates male looking female. Difference? We'll start with a female dates a female looking female. Its another way to tell we men "Hell, she treats me better then you do". Well what are friends for in the 1st place? Are they for you to fight over a guy that is cute so that you can ditch you friend? Are they for you to fight over a dress cause you think you can fit in better and look better? Are they for you to fight over who looks and acts better like Paris Hilton? The answer is no, friends are for you to go to consult with and get over with you troubles. They are as good as your family members, why do friends exist is because your family are unavailable at time or can't really understand your feelings. Only a friend can do that, to understand you to comfort you and to cheer you up. This applies the same to males too. Heres another example of how a female runs to her comfort zone using a shortcut. As for the females that like male looking females. Its total rubbish, its such an obvious scenery that you're living in a denial life. Its like showing people that you want a guy, but you want the guy without balls and a shaft cause without that you won't have to go through with another night where that thing will have to drill you through the night and makes you dehydrated and tired. Well, what is the mouth and brains for darling? To speak your mind out! Don't take the short way to your comfort zones, work it out. You'll be satisfied with your effort to solve this very problem.

As for naturally born human that likes their own genders, please don't be upset with what I wrote, because to me, you are the ones who are the people that the others are going to meet and ask and learn what is it like to be like you. Hopefully they'll learn your good skills and attitude to be a better person. Whereby you have to endure your nature. To like your own gender naturally is not a blessing its a curse, but you have to remember that you'll have something special in you that no ordinary human have, and that is Why Queer Eye For A Straight Guy show is so famous! Cause they have realize WHO they are and WHAT they are capable of. You can make a difference, start small and grow strong. You are the species that the human have to look up to, because it doesn't matter what gender are you, you have both in you, and having that naturally gives you the ability to judge whats good and whats not in you very own opinion. That is something that actually people is hunger for. Not your tight assholes or your long fingers.

Well thats a pile of crap that I never though I'll ever write, but hey! I just finished it! Until then, as usual, write me back about this one..Ja-na!