Believe

I used to go to church every single morning since i was standard 3 until I finished SPM. I even went to sunset mass and Sunday mass. In between all that I went to other churches. To cut it short. I was raised S.I.B, educated and baptize in a Protestant church and getting my PhD in a Roman Catholic church. I guess still, my Mommy is the defending champion, she even attended masses in a Methodist church.

Enough about religion. What about what one believes in doing?

Do you believe that you can touch the moon and the skies? Do you believe that you can be successful in whatever field you are in the current future? Do you believe that one day, the world will be under one and one only ruler?

Sometimes it makes me wonder. Believing that one day I'll find the Right one. It never happens. But it turns out to be the other way round. I believe so deep in my heart that I marked the day that my eldest brother will come home(Sarikei) cause I believe that he's coming back. I can imagine him coming home, eating meals together, having fun doing traps in the backyard for naughty cats that steals our cat's food. For all I knew, that day was the day my late father passed away, and he really came back.

When I believe that I would have someone, someone to share my the air that I breath. It always ends up bad. Either the parents don't like me, or the family have to move to another state or country, or my mom just don't like her, or even as simple as a misunderstanding when she was have "the moment" of the month.

Like my colleague told me, religion is to give us hope. That I totally agree. For all the do and the don't in my past life nothing went the way I wanted it to be. But, I did hope for one thing. The one thing that I always ask from God in church every single morning in my prayers before I go to school. I asked for an interesting life(since life in Sarikei sucks to high heaven).

Guess what, I am having an interesting life. Going to college at a later age. Working and experiencing at the wrong moment of my life. Not having a pretty resume to be hand over to a company when I applied for a job. Jobless at one point of time. Working with wedges that can hardly be enough for a 16 year old kid gets for his/her pocket money a month.

Here I am writing this blog. Thinking what did I believe in having. I had it. Its because I believe that I'm already in it. What I don't understand is the culture shocks and the statements that people I've met and experience is way beyond my wildest imagination.

Right now, what I am thinking is actually nothing. I just don't know what to believe in now. I'm lost, I'm stranded, I'm still floating in mid air with water around me.

Sometimes there so much that I want to share, but it just seem to be insane to other human being.

Sometimes I really wanted to wake up and write something in here but the minute I woke up is already time to go to work.

I live a very simple life and yet its so hard for me to cope with it. I won't want to imagine what will a guy with a wife and 2 kids do.

Believing is so true that it happens. But the circumstances that one has to face is totally out of the picture that one painted in the mind. Can that be avoided? or minimized? Or is it against the Law of Nature that we are in control of the consequences which is applied to each and every step of one's move.

hmm..I guess I think too much. I wish I could just sit in a library full of books and do nothing but read and just don't care about whats happening and just keep on thinking of answers to my questions. Well, that's not going to happen cause I'm not a smart kid that have the luxury of being in an education facilities that provides such kinds.

Sometimes its hard to accept the path that one walks when one sees the other one walks a path which is so much different from his. One can be tolerant, patient, accepting, forgiving, sharing, caring, and learning. To what extend can one go? To what extend can one hold? Til then...Ja-Na

Heart Station

One of my friend was bugging me on checking out the new anime called Evangelion 1.0. Its a no.1 movie in Japan currently. This anime freak buddy of mine told me the soundtrack made him got glued to it. So, he asked me to check out the video clip.

I was kinda lazy to even check, was glued to something else (CABAL) so I asked him whats the title and the artist of the song. He told me Utada Hikaru's Beautiful World. So I straight away downloaded the whole album. *grin*

The moment I started to listen to the 1st song it haunts me. Brings me back memoirs of a girl that I once knew that looked and sounded exactly like here. A Malaysian. A local. That speaks Japanese! And looks like Utada Hikaru! su-geh!!!


As I listen one song to another, my heart starts to feel heavy. As if its going through a hard time to pump oxygen and blood in and out.

Actually, its a sad moment of my life. At the same time happy, that I've met someone that I've once imagine meeting. Cliche don't you think? When you wish for something so badly, you get it. But, if its fated that it doesn't go the way you want it to be you feel sad and blame the world. Well, for me how I understand is, I don't wish hard enough to make her mine. Simple as that!

If you(you know who you are) so happen to read this, this is what my heart will always tell "You'll always be in my heart no matter what happens, may it be only a memory or an experience or something that I can remind myself about"

By the way my favourite tracks from this album are Fight the Blues and Stay Gold. Really can make one cry *sob*sob*

Ja-Na!