Believe

I used to go to church every single morning since i was standard 3 until I finished SPM. I even went to sunset mass and Sunday mass. In between all that I went to other churches. To cut it short. I was raised S.I.B, educated and baptize in a Protestant church and getting my PhD in a Roman Catholic church. I guess still, my Mommy is the defending champion, she even attended masses in a Methodist church.

Enough about religion. What about what one believes in doing?

Do you believe that you can touch the moon and the skies? Do you believe that you can be successful in whatever field you are in the current future? Do you believe that one day, the world will be under one and one only ruler?

Sometimes it makes me wonder. Believing that one day I'll find the Right one. It never happens. But it turns out to be the other way round. I believe so deep in my heart that I marked the day that my eldest brother will come home(Sarikei) cause I believe that he's coming back. I can imagine him coming home, eating meals together, having fun doing traps in the backyard for naughty cats that steals our cat's food. For all I knew, that day was the day my late father passed away, and he really came back.

When I believe that I would have someone, someone to share my the air that I breath. It always ends up bad. Either the parents don't like me, or the family have to move to another state or country, or my mom just don't like her, or even as simple as a misunderstanding when she was have "the moment" of the month.

Like my colleague told me, religion is to give us hope. That I totally agree. For all the do and the don't in my past life nothing went the way I wanted it to be. But, I did hope for one thing. The one thing that I always ask from God in church every single morning in my prayers before I go to school. I asked for an interesting life(since life in Sarikei sucks to high heaven).

Guess what, I am having an interesting life. Going to college at a later age. Working and experiencing at the wrong moment of my life. Not having a pretty resume to be hand over to a company when I applied for a job. Jobless at one point of time. Working with wedges that can hardly be enough for a 16 year old kid gets for his/her pocket money a month.

Here I am writing this blog. Thinking what did I believe in having. I had it. Its because I believe that I'm already in it. What I don't understand is the culture shocks and the statements that people I've met and experience is way beyond my wildest imagination.

Right now, what I am thinking is actually nothing. I just don't know what to believe in now. I'm lost, I'm stranded, I'm still floating in mid air with water around me.

Sometimes there so much that I want to share, but it just seem to be insane to other human being.

Sometimes I really wanted to wake up and write something in here but the minute I woke up is already time to go to work.

I live a very simple life and yet its so hard for me to cope with it. I won't want to imagine what will a guy with a wife and 2 kids do.

Believing is so true that it happens. But the circumstances that one has to face is totally out of the picture that one painted in the mind. Can that be avoided? or minimized? Or is it against the Law of Nature that we are in control of the consequences which is applied to each and every step of one's move.

hmm..I guess I think too much. I wish I could just sit in a library full of books and do nothing but read and just don't care about whats happening and just keep on thinking of answers to my questions. Well, that's not going to happen cause I'm not a smart kid that have the luxury of being in an education facilities that provides such kinds.

Sometimes its hard to accept the path that one walks when one sees the other one walks a path which is so much different from his. One can be tolerant, patient, accepting, forgiving, sharing, caring, and learning. To what extend can one go? To what extend can one hold? Til then...Ja-Na

Tour De Sarikei

I would always flashback to my school days most of the time when I'm lying on my bed. I guess the sweetest memories was when me and my buddies have groups in riding bicycles! *giggles* Gosh! I really miss them a lot!

We would be so serious in training before the event by riding far. Far enough for others to say that we are nuts! Frequent enough to make others say "Stupid!". Though its not a big achievement in life, but it was a good thing to remember and a good thing that happen in our life. We even modified our bicycle just to be compatible with the track which we are going to ride on the event itself. Damn! To think back on the seriousness we put into this event was tremendous.

Though we got 2nd place in the race. I still won 2nd place for individual achievement. It was really a day to remember. Riding with the wind with my buddies with a pack of other schoolmates which now are all grown up.

Most of them are married already. Some with kids, congratulations to those that made it that far! *giggles*

Apart from that, I've seen a lot of them being to other parts of the world. So I would also like to congratulate them for that.

The point is, I really miss my buddies and I want to meet them so badly. I wish I could. I hope God will grant me that wish one day.

Separated

Today all kinds of feelings runs through me, guild, sad, happy, excited, anger, hatred, you name it I feel it. Why? Well, its because this very day my brother is on a flight back in hometown for good and I feel very lonely and also very guilty for what had happen over these past few years. I hope that I can pick up the bits and pieces and start my new life quickly. Cause one day, I want to be with my brother again. This time no more mistake, for this is the biggest mistake I have ever made in my 28 years of living. Damn to the ones that con me, damn to the one that cheated me, damn to the ones that deceive me. For I no longer hear you, for I no longer have mercy on you. Thrust is something so priceless. I just let it slip away so easily. I have fail and I hope that one day I will be forgiven.