When I look back in my "love life" department, all I can see is just nothing!
How can this be? How can I had every chance and simply don't grab it? Or I do not know how to grab it?
I have to admit to the fact that, I'm not good with this kinds of things. Thats why I always end up with nothing. Nothing solid, its just a close friend kinda feeling and I really do not know why.
The weird part is when I really like that someone, somehow or rather I'll tend to fuck it up unintentionally. Why does this has to happen to the one I 100% give my commitment to?
Is it that this is the sign to tell me that its not the time yet?( Like what others claimed). Or is this the bliss I have to bear and end up being a bachelor for life? And I would have to consult those who are trouble without chargers. After they feel alright, they'll joke and tell me "you should open up a consultation firm". To me that hurts, wheres the appreciation? Fuck!
Well, I've being friends with different types of females, maybe The Man Above wants me to meet more before he would let me settle with the final one.
I guess is true what they say, "Save The Best For Last".
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Rarerity
Today I didn't get to do my laundry in time. That's a little frustrating.
But, today I get to eat steam fish! Yeah..steam fish! HAHA! Accompanied by a plate of bean sprout cooked with salted fish and a plate of tofu cooked with onions. DELICIOUS!
The best part of today's activity was the sight of a rare item which I think its rare. A Leica film camera which I think was used during the Communist occupation. Its really old and the leather is really thick! Everything is in good condition, even the camera itself is working fine. RM450 for that, if I had the bucks to buy it, I will! *laughs*
I even saw one of the many things in my wishlist. A thigh pouch! AWESOME! Still, If I had the bucks I'll buy it. its RM180! *sobs*
Overall, it was an awesome Sunday!
But, today I get to eat steam fish! Yeah..steam fish! HAHA! Accompanied by a plate of bean sprout cooked with salted fish and a plate of tofu cooked with onions. DELICIOUS!
The best part of today's activity was the sight of a rare item which I think its rare. A Leica film camera which I think was used during the Communist occupation. Its really old and the leather is really thick! Everything is in good condition, even the camera itself is working fine. RM450 for that, if I had the bucks to buy it, I will! *laughs*
I even saw one of the many things in my wishlist. A thigh pouch! AWESOME! Still, If I had the bucks I'll buy it. its RM180! *sobs*
Overall, it was an awesome Sunday!
Will You..Will You Not?
I flipped through photo albums again at facebook and I'm back again *laughs*.
Another thought come into my mind. Once upon a time, a few housand metres away from where I live, I get to know this someone and its for quite sometime now we lost contact. It seems that we were never meant to be together. No matter how hard I try, she'll just back off with anger. I guess acceptance is my only option. Persistence will bring me no where but, straight to frustration. And then what?
What will I think of that person? Would I hate her? Would I be sad to do the same stupid mistake again even though after all these years? Would I be happy for her that she finally met someone that really cares and love her until the end of time?
In the 1st place when I said that I think that we are not meant to be together. That's what my Mind tells me after what I've been through. Carefully plan what would i say to her. It all crumbles.
This is the 1st person that gives me cold sweat everytime I think of her. Makes me worry everytime after I text or call her. Makes me restless everytime after I met her. Makes me feels like home everytime I sit on the couch where she lives. That's one thing I can never take it out from my mind. To be seated in someones home and actually for the 1st time in donkey years I can feel that I'm home. But in the end, one stupid move and its all gone, just one.
I'm not saying I've regret not being much more careful to save the day. But here's where it gets more interesting.
Was it my mind that's the main force that makes me thing of that her? Whereby that she is actually herself genuinely?
So now the question is, Will I keep of thinking of her about the person she portrays to be? Or Will I just might as well stop thinking of all the teletubies fantasies of being with her but to think that she's better off with someone else?
You might say that I should meet her up and tell her everything. Like they say, "Let your feelings do the talking". For all I know, I should do it. But hey, this is not Brooklyn or Amsterdam. Neither its Milan or Sicily. I just don't know how to say it here. Here in a place where stuff I say elsewhere works perfectly.
The elders did once mentioned, "There are Valuables you may gain possess of but, There are also Valuables best remains".
*Sigh* ..Ja-Na
Another thought come into my mind. Once upon a time, a few housand metres away from where I live, I get to know this someone and its for quite sometime now we lost contact. It seems that we were never meant to be together. No matter how hard I try, she'll just back off with anger. I guess acceptance is my only option. Persistence will bring me no where but, straight to frustration. And then what?
What will I think of that person? Would I hate her? Would I be sad to do the same stupid mistake again even though after all these years? Would I be happy for her that she finally met someone that really cares and love her until the end of time?
In the 1st place when I said that I think that we are not meant to be together. That's what my Mind tells me after what I've been through. Carefully plan what would i say to her. It all crumbles.
This is the 1st person that gives me cold sweat everytime I think of her. Makes me worry everytime after I text or call her. Makes me restless everytime after I met her. Makes me feels like home everytime I sit on the couch where she lives. That's one thing I can never take it out from my mind. To be seated in someones home and actually for the 1st time in donkey years I can feel that I'm home. But in the end, one stupid move and its all gone, just one.
I'm not saying I've regret not being much more careful to save the day. But here's where it gets more interesting.
Was it my mind that's the main force that makes me thing of that her? Whereby that she is actually herself genuinely?
So now the question is, Will I keep of thinking of her about the person she portrays to be? Or Will I just might as well stop thinking of all the teletubies fantasies of being with her but to think that she's better off with someone else?
You might say that I should meet her up and tell her everything. Like they say, "Let your feelings do the talking". For all I know, I should do it. But hey, this is not Brooklyn or Amsterdam. Neither its Milan or Sicily. I just don't know how to say it here. Here in a place where stuff I say elsewhere works perfectly.
The elders did once mentioned, "There are Valuables you may gain possess of but, There are also Valuables best remains".
*Sigh* ..Ja-Na
The Greatest Moment in Live
I've just logged out from facebook. It starts to tickle my mind, and that's how I end up in here. Another sets of wedding photo(yeah what so great about that right?). Well this is no ordinary wedding photo.
This particular set of wedding photo reminds me right to the moment when I was still in school. When I knew this guy called Jonas Fung. Tennis is the one thing I'll always remember him by. But that's all that I'd remember since we were only schoolmates, not classmates. He's very active in church though. My bet is the relationship grew from there, or maybe elsewhere. Cause the wife is our junior in school. New kid in town at a point of time. Which turns out to be active in church too. I have to admit that she is gracefully a beauty. Jonas you are one lucky bastard! *laughs*
The thing is, there we go, another fallen man, that turns his whole life into the Man of the House. A father to be. Which I think is a great task to handle in years to come. Responsibilities, patience, tolerance, care, love. Everything that you can think of to make a person the best father figure that he can be in the near future for his kids to look up to.
Thats not all. Its the people that supported him to get him through his biggest day. His wedding day. All of that people in the pictures are the people that I reconize(well of course not all of their partners). One of many which I remembered I cycled with him to school everyday when we were in form 1. The next thing you know, he's all grown up maturely smart and handsome. Alvin Ling, time flies right in front of my eyes and there you are. Jason Sii is a person that I remember as a quiet person. By the way nice camera you have there *smiles*. The first thing that flashes in front of me is him, Ah Cheong and me playing marbles at a playground in Kiong Soon Garden. Gosh..what a way to think back those days.
I guess I am getting older. I see more and more wedding pictures. Both, my guy friends and my female friends are getting married.
Lucky, three of my best friend never upload their wedding pictures in here. Else, I would have cried, having sleepless nights, having this mortal guild in me. 2 of them make an effort to reserve a chair for me at their wedding dinner. How much more can I ask for? I'm speechless.
That's why after that incident. I'll always think of that moment, the moment that I read that short text message. Every time I browse through wedding pictures, I will always remember you guys. The Greatest Moment of your Lives, and I didn't make effort to be there to witness that.
You can have all the Money in the world. But, you can't have that few Hours no matter how hard you try. Time is just Greater then whatever you can think of having. The funny thing is, Time is always and will be with you at all times. Whereby money makes your heart pounds so fast that it sends pulse to your brains to instruct your lips to carve a smile on your face. How cliche..Ja-Na
This particular set of wedding photo reminds me right to the moment when I was still in school. When I knew this guy called Jonas Fung. Tennis is the one thing I'll always remember him by. But that's all that I'd remember since we were only schoolmates, not classmates. He's very active in church though. My bet is the relationship grew from there, or maybe elsewhere. Cause the wife is our junior in school. New kid in town at a point of time. Which turns out to be active in church too. I have to admit that she is gracefully a beauty. Jonas you are one lucky bastard! *laughs*
The thing is, there we go, another fallen man, that turns his whole life into the Man of the House. A father to be. Which I think is a great task to handle in years to come. Responsibilities, patience, tolerance, care, love. Everything that you can think of to make a person the best father figure that he can be in the near future for his kids to look up to.
Thats not all. Its the people that supported him to get him through his biggest day. His wedding day. All of that people in the pictures are the people that I reconize(well of course not all of their partners). One of many which I remembered I cycled with him to school everyday when we were in form 1. The next thing you know, he's all grown up maturely smart and handsome. Alvin Ling, time flies right in front of my eyes and there you are. Jason Sii is a person that I remember as a quiet person. By the way nice camera you have there *smiles*. The first thing that flashes in front of me is him, Ah Cheong and me playing marbles at a playground in Kiong Soon Garden. Gosh..what a way to think back those days.
I guess I am getting older. I see more and more wedding pictures. Both, my guy friends and my female friends are getting married.
Lucky, three of my best friend never upload their wedding pictures in here. Else, I would have cried, having sleepless nights, having this mortal guild in me. 2 of them make an effort to reserve a chair for me at their wedding dinner. How much more can I ask for? I'm speechless.
That's why after that incident. I'll always think of that moment, the moment that I read that short text message. Every time I browse through wedding pictures, I will always remember you guys. The Greatest Moment of your Lives, and I didn't make effort to be there to witness that.
You can have all the Money in the world. But, you can't have that few Hours no matter how hard you try. Time is just Greater then whatever you can think of having. The funny thing is, Time is always and will be with you at all times. Whereby money makes your heart pounds so fast that it sends pulse to your brains to instruct your lips to carve a smile on your face. How cliche..Ja-Na
Friday, November 21, 2008
Believe
I used to go to church every single morning since i was standard 3 until I finished SPM. I even went to sunset mass and Sunday mass. In between all that I went to other churches. To cut it short. I was raised S.I.B, educated and baptize in a Protestant church and getting my PhD in a Roman Catholic church. I guess still, my Mommy is the defending champion, she even attended masses in a Methodist church.
Enough about religion. What about what one believes in doing?
Do you believe that you can touch the moon and the skies? Do you believe that you can be successful in whatever field you are in the current future? Do you believe that one day, the world will be under one and one only ruler?
Sometimes it makes me wonder. Believing that one day I'll find the Right one. It never happens. But it turns out to be the other way round. I believe so deep in my heart that I marked the day that my eldest brother will come home(Sarikei) cause I believe that he's coming back. I can imagine him coming home, eating meals together, having fun doing traps in the backyard for naughty cats that steals our cat's food. For all I knew, that day was the day my late father passed away, and he really came back.
When I believe that I would have someone, someone to share my the air that I breath. It always ends up bad. Either the parents don't like me, or the family have to move to another state or country, or my mom just don't like her, or even as simple as a misunderstanding when she was have "the moment" of the month.
Like my colleague told me, religion is to give us hope. That I totally agree. For all the do and the don't in my past life nothing went the way I wanted it to be. But, I did hope for one thing. The one thing that I always ask from God in church every single morning in my prayers before I go to school. I asked for an interesting life(since life in Sarikei sucks to high heaven).
Guess what, I am having an interesting life. Going to college at a later age. Working and experiencing at the wrong moment of my life. Not having a pretty resume to be hand over to a company when I applied for a job. Jobless at one point of time. Working with wedges that can hardly be enough for a 16 year old kid gets for his/her pocket money a month.
Here I am writing this blog. Thinking what did I believe in having. I had it. Its because I believe that I'm already in it. What I don't understand is the culture shocks and the statements that people I've met and experience is way beyond my wildest imagination.
Right now, what I am thinking is actually nothing. I just don't know what to believe in now. I'm lost, I'm stranded, I'm still floating in mid air with water around me.
Sometimes there so much that I want to share, but it just seem to be insane to other human being.
Sometimes I really wanted to wake up and write something in here but the minute I woke up is already time to go to work.
I live a very simple life and yet its so hard for me to cope with it. I won't want to imagine what will a guy with a wife and 2 kids do.
Believing is so true that it happens. But the circumstances that one has to face is totally out of the picture that one painted in the mind. Can that be avoided? or minimized? Or is it against the Law of Nature that we are in control of the consequences which is applied to each and every step of one's move.
hmm..I guess I think too much. I wish I could just sit in a library full of books and do nothing but read and just don't care about whats happening and just keep on thinking of answers to my questions. Well, that's not going to happen cause I'm not a smart kid that have the luxury of being in an education facilities that provides such kinds.
Sometimes its hard to accept the path that one walks when one sees the other one walks a path which is so much different from his. One can be tolerant, patient, accepting, forgiving, sharing, caring, and learning. To what extend can one go? To what extend can one hold? Til then...Ja-Na
Enough about religion. What about what one believes in doing?
Do you believe that you can touch the moon and the skies? Do you believe that you can be successful in whatever field you are in the current future? Do you believe that one day, the world will be under one and one only ruler?
Sometimes it makes me wonder. Believing that one day I'll find the Right one. It never happens. But it turns out to be the other way round. I believe so deep in my heart that I marked the day that my eldest brother will come home(Sarikei) cause I believe that he's coming back. I can imagine him coming home, eating meals together, having fun doing traps in the backyard for naughty cats that steals our cat's food. For all I knew, that day was the day my late father passed away, and he really came back.
When I believe that I would have someone, someone to share my the air that I breath. It always ends up bad. Either the parents don't like me, or the family have to move to another state or country, or my mom just don't like her, or even as simple as a misunderstanding when she was have "the moment" of the month.
Like my colleague told me, religion is to give us hope. That I totally agree. For all the do and the don't in my past life nothing went the way I wanted it to be. But, I did hope for one thing. The one thing that I always ask from God in church every single morning in my prayers before I go to school. I asked for an interesting life(since life in Sarikei sucks to high heaven).
Guess what, I am having an interesting life. Going to college at a later age. Working and experiencing at the wrong moment of my life. Not having a pretty resume to be hand over to a company when I applied for a job. Jobless at one point of time. Working with wedges that can hardly be enough for a 16 year old kid gets for his/her pocket money a month.
Here I am writing this blog. Thinking what did I believe in having. I had it. Its because I believe that I'm already in it. What I don't understand is the culture shocks and the statements that people I've met and experience is way beyond my wildest imagination.
Right now, what I am thinking is actually nothing. I just don't know what to believe in now. I'm lost, I'm stranded, I'm still floating in mid air with water around me.
Sometimes there so much that I want to share, but it just seem to be insane to other human being.
Sometimes I really wanted to wake up and write something in here but the minute I woke up is already time to go to work.
I live a very simple life and yet its so hard for me to cope with it. I won't want to imagine what will a guy with a wife and 2 kids do.
Believing is so true that it happens. But the circumstances that one has to face is totally out of the picture that one painted in the mind. Can that be avoided? or minimized? Or is it against the Law of Nature that we are in control of the consequences which is applied to each and every step of one's move.
hmm..I guess I think too much. I wish I could just sit in a library full of books and do nothing but read and just don't care about whats happening and just keep on thinking of answers to my questions. Well, that's not going to happen cause I'm not a smart kid that have the luxury of being in an education facilities that provides such kinds.
Sometimes its hard to accept the path that one walks when one sees the other one walks a path which is so much different from his. One can be tolerant, patient, accepting, forgiving, sharing, caring, and learning. To what extend can one go? To what extend can one hold? Til then...Ja-Na
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